I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
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Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
ACED my prostate exam!
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?