Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
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me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo