still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou