I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
it’s either covid or clever vampires
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table