couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us