Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…