The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
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Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
ok this is my dumbest yet
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Love it! 👍😂
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.