Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
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I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.