AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
You Might Also Like
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.