me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.