her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
my proudest tweet
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong