[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
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Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.