*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?