Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol