last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Brands during Pride
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”