I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
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Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”