Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
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Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Pikachu found the lost joint
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too