True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
never compromise your values
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST