Just ordered me some pizza!
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
for all #parents out there
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.