[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.