GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
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My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Customize Your Wedding.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.