Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Coffee for people with no kids
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching