My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it