Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Breaking news:
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
It be like that sometimes 😆