Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
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Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Sign at work today
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.