A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex