Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
i actually laughed 😩
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It