If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is