Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.