It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.