Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
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I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer