Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move