honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Meeeee too!
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent