Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
📽️movie date🎞️
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.