Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
i actually laughed 😩
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
car not found
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans