I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Not now. I’m deglazing.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.