Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
You Might Also Like
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!