Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
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“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*