On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
You Might Also Like
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN