The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
You Might Also Like
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?