“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.