I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
honestly, i need both:
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run