Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
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Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS