*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Name another movie that mislead you?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!