*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You Might Also Like
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy