[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
You Might Also Like
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
The two types of wives
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.