NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
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HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Self-cleaning conscience
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good