when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
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Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.