I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
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Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
😩😩😩
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*