Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
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My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
british sex workers really pound for pound
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Wednesday
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer